The Nine Enneagram Type
Overview
1 THE REFORMER
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic
conscientious | ethical | a strong sense of right and wrong
teachers | crusaders | advocates for change
always striving to improve things (but afraid of making a mistake)
Well-organized | orderly | fastidious (concerned about accuracy and detail)
try to maintain high standards (but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic)
problems with resentment | impatience
At their Best: wise | discerning | realistic | noble | morally heroic
Key Motivations: Want to be right | to strive higher and improve everything | to be consistent with their ideals | to justify themselves | to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone
(stress) moody | irrational at Four
(growth) spontaneous | joyful like healthy Sevens
a “sense of mission” (to want to improve the world in various ways, using whatever degree of influence they have)
strive after “higher values,” (even at the cost of great personal sacrifice)
left comfortable lives to do something extraordinary (felt that something higher was calling them)
people of practical action (wish to be useful in the best sense of the word)
“have a mission” to fulfill in life (try their best to reduce the disorder they see in their environment)
a strong sense of purpose | have to justify their actions to themselves and others
persuade themselves that they are “head” types =rationalists who proceed only on logic and objective truth (but are actually activists who are searching for an acceptable rationale for what they feel they must do | people of instinct and passion who use convictions and judgments to control and direct themselves and their actions)
resist being affected by instinctual drives | consciously not giving in to them or expressing them too freely | i.e. a personality type that has problems with repression, resistance, and aggression
seen by others as highly self- controlled | rigid (Unable to bend) (but seems to them they had better “keep the lid on their cauldron of passions and desires”)
had no feelings? | felt feelings intensely and yetcouldn’t let them out as intensely as felt (rehearse ahead of time how to express clearly what I want, need, and observe, and yet not be harsh or blaming in my anger which is often scathing)
being strict with themselves (and eventually becoming “perfect”) will justify them in their own eyes and in the eyes of others (but often create their own personal hell instead)
difficult to trust life (so rely heavily on superego, a learned voice from their childhood) | little distinction between them and this severe, unforgiving voice | growth: Separating from it and seeing its genuine strengths and limitations
2 THE HELPER
The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
empathetic | sincere | warm-hearted
friendly | generous | self-sacrificing (but can also be sentimental | flattering | people-pleasing)
well-meaning | driven to be close to others (but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed)
problems with possessiveness | acknowledging their own needs
At their Best: unselfish | altruistic| have unconditional love for others
Key Motivations: Want to be loved | to express their feelings for others | to be needed and appreciated | to get others to respond to them | to vindicate their claims about themselves
(stress) aggressive | dominating at Eight
(growth) self-nurturing | emotionally aware like healthy Fours
the most genuinely helpful to other people (or the most highly invested in seeing themselves as helpful)
generous | going out of their way for others (the richest, most meaningful way to live)
feel: love and concern | do: genuine good (warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile)
the “really, really good” things in life: love | closeness | sharing | family | friendship
like being involved in peoples’ lives | like feeling compassionate | caring | nurturing | anyone can tell me anything about themselves and I will be able to love them
loving | helpful | generous | considerate | people drawn to them like bees to honey
the glow of their hearts | their appreciation and attention | see positive qualities in oneself
embodiment of “the good parent”: sees them as they are | understands them with immense compassion |
helps and encourages with infinite patience | always willing to lend a hand
an open heart | show us the way to be more deeply and richly human
inner development limited by their “shadow side”: pride | self-deception | tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others | tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met
see herself in only the most positive, glowing terms (avoid going into dark places in themselves)
biggest obstacle:
fear they are without value in themselves | so must do something extraordinary to win love and acceptance from others
false image of being completely generous | unselfish | of not wanting any kind of pay-off (when in fact can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs)
obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others (believe they must always put others first | be loving and unselfish if they want to get love:
secretly angry | resentful | eventually erupt in various ways | revealing inauthenticity of the depth of their “love”)
3 THE ACHIEVER
The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious
self-assured | attractive | charming
ambitious | competent | energetic | status-conscious | highly driven for advancement
diplomatic (skill of managing international relations) | poised (a composed and self-assured manner) (but can be overly concerned with their image | what others think of them)
problems with workaholism | competitiveness
At their Best: self-accepting | authentic | role models who inspire others
Key Motivations: Want to be affirmed | to distinguish themselves from others | to have attention | to be admired | to impress others
(stress) disengaged | apathetic at Nines
(growth) cooperative | committed to others like healthy Sixes
really can and do achieve great things in the world
the "stars" of human nature | graciousness | personal accomplishments
to develop themselves | contribute their abilities to the world | enjoy motivating others to greater personal achievements than others thought they were capable of
well regarded |
popular among peers | people feel they want to be associated with them
embody the best in a culture | others able to see their hopes and dreams mirrored in them
successful | well liked | believe in themselves and in developing their talents and capacities
act as living “role models” (extraordinary embodiment of socially valued qualities)
to
be “the best that they can be” (so inspires others to invest in their own self-development)
make sure their lives are a success (have status in community and family | not be a “nobody”)
to
perform in ways that will garner them praise | positive attention
to recognize the activities valued by parents or peers | put their energies into excelling in those activities | to cultivate and develop whatever about them is attractive | potentially impressive
most exemplifies this universal human need of attention | encouragement | affirmation of one's value
without increased attention and feeling of accomplishment, fear to have no value
become so alienated from themselves that no longer know what truly want or real feelings or interests
easy prey to self-deception | deceit | falseness of all kinds
search for a way to be of value increasingly (takes them further away from their own Essential Self with its core of real value)
dependent on receiving attention from others | in pursuing the values that others reward (their “heart’s desire” is left behind until can no longer recognize)
people of action and achievement (“put their feelings in a box”: substitute thinking and practical action for feelings)
when realize to what extent they have adapted their lives to the expectations of others (simply did not know what they want, so must, in effect, be someone else to be accepted)
the attention received by performing in a certain way was their oxygen, and they needed it to breathe (a high price: a two-edged sword | wanted to be noticed and approved | the burden and pressure)
4 THE INDIVIDUALIST
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental
self-aware | sensitive | reserved
emotionally honest | creative | personal (but can also be moody | self-conscious)
Withholding themselves from others (due to feeling vulnerable | defective), feel disdainful | exempt from ordinary ways of living
problems with melancholy | self-indulgence | self-pity
At their Best: inspired and highly creative | able to renew themselves | transform their experiences
Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality | to create and surround themselves with beauty | to maintain certain moods and feelings | to withdraw to protect their self-image | to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else | to attract a "rescuer"
(stress) over-involved | clinging at Two
(growth) objective | principled like healthy Ones
maintain their identity (by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others)
feel unlike other human beings (so no one can understand them | love them adequately)
see themselves as uniquely talented | possessing special | one-of-a-kind gifts (also uniquely disadvantaged | flawed)
acutely aware of |
focused on their personal differences |
deficiencies
honest with themselves (own all of their feelings | can look at motives | contradictions | emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing | not try to rationalize states | hide them | willing to reveal highly personal | potentially shameful things about themselves: so can discover who they are and how they feel) so endure suffering with a quiet strength | familiarity with own darker nature (easier to process painful experiences)
have difficulty identifying exactly what they feel missing something in themselves (actually unsure about aspects of self-image: their personality | ego-structure itself) lack a clear and stable identity (a social persona that they feel comfortable with) |
feel different from others | not want to be alone | socially awkward | self-conscious (but deeply wish to connect with people who understand them | their feelings) | long for someone to appreciate the secret self (privately nurtured | hidden from the world) (if no begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are)
an insistent individualist (everything must be done in her own way)
problems with a negative self-image | chronically low self-esteem
cultivating an idealized self-image (built up primarily in their imaginations | fell far short of fantasized self-image | actual abilities became sources of shame | try several different identities (based on styles | preferences | qualities find attractive in others | feel uncertain about who they really are)
base identity largely on feelings | a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions
accurately perceive
a truth about human nature: dynamic | ever changing
want to create a stable | reliable identity from emotions | hold on to specific moods and express others
biggest challenges: learning to let go of feelings from the past | hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them | unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives
My longings can never become fulfilled (
attached to ‘the longing’ |
not to any specific end result)
believe there is something fundamentally wrong with them | cannot allow to enjoy good qualities (fear to lose sense of identity (as a suffering victim) | to be without a relatively consistent persona)
grow: old feelings begin to fall away (it is irrelevant to who they are right now)
5 THE INVESTIGATOR
The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated
alert | insightful | curious
able to concentrate | focus on developing complex ideas | skills
Independent | innovative | inventive (can become preoccupied with thoughts | imaginary constructs)
detached | high-strung | intense
problems with eccentricity | nihilism | isolation
At their Best: visionary pioneers | often ahead of their time | able to see the world in an entirely new way
Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge | to understand the environment | to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment
(stress) hyperactive | scattered at Seven
(growth) self-confident | decisive like healthy Eights
want to find out why things are the way they are | to understand how the world works | always searching | asking questions | delving into things in depth (do not accept received opinions | doctrines, feeling
a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves)
always needing to learn | to take in information about the world | have an understanding of life (difficult to learn that life must be lived and not just studied)
feel do not have an ability to do things as well as others (“take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable | the safety of their minds | one day rejoin the world)
spend a lot of time observing | contemplating: internalize knowledge | gain a feeling of self-confidence | stumble across exciting new information | make new creative combinations (get verification of observations | hypotheses: confirmation of competency)
knowledge | understanding | insight | identity built around “having ideas” | being someone who has something unusual | insightful to say (attention drawn to the “unthinkable”: knowing something that others do not)
need to
have at least one area in which have a degree of expertise (feel capable and connected with the world) develop an intense focus on whatever they can master | feel secure about (depending on intelligence | resources available: focus intensely on mastering something that has captured interest)
do not depend on social validation (if others agree too readily | tend to fear ideas too conventional)
lost in byzantine complexities of own thought processes (merely eccentric | socially isolated)
remarkable discoveries | innovations (focus of attention unwittingly serves to distract them from most pressing practical problems |
tend not to deal with these issues | find something else to do that will make them feel more competent | so no matter what degree of mastery develop in area of expertise,
cannot solve their more basic insecurities about functioning in the world)
dealing directly with physical matters: feel extremely daunting
always had a very active mental life ("collecting" | developing ideas | skills believe will make feel confident | prepared |
want retain everything learned | “carry it around in heads”
problem: while engrossed in this process,
not interacting with others | increasing many other practical | social skills | devote more and more time to collecting and attending to their collections but not anything related to real needs)
challenge: to understand that they can pursue whatever questions | problems spark their imaginations AND maintain relationships | take proper care of themselves | do all of the things that are the hallmarks of a healthy life
6 THE LOYALIST
The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious
reliable | hard-working | responsible | trustworthy
Excellent "troubleshooters" | foresee problems | foster cooperation (but can become defensive | evasive | anxious: running on stress while complaining about it)
cautious | indecisive (but also reactive | defiant | rebellious)
problems with self-doubt | suspicion
At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant | courageously championing themselves and others
Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.
(stress) competitive | arrogant at Three
(growth) relaxed | optimistic like healthy Nine
the most loyal to friends and beliefs (will “go down with the ship” | hang on to relationships of all kinds)
loyal to ideas | systems | beliefs (may be rebellious | anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary)
fight for beliefs more fiercely than fight for themselves (defend community or family more tenaciously than defend themselves)
a failure of self-confidence: believe do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges | vagaries alone (so increasingly rely on structures | allies | beliefs | supports outside themselves | If suitable structures do not exist, will help create and maintain them)
have the most trouble contacting own inner guidance | not have confidence in own minds and judgments (think | worry a lot | fear making important decisions | resist having anyone else make decisions for them | avoid being controlled | afraid of taking responsibility)
always aware of anxieties |
always looking for ways to construct “social security” bulwarks (defensive wall) against them (if feel have sufficient back up, can move forward with some degree of confidence; if crumbles, become anxious and self-doubting
“What is security?” (constantly struggling to find firm ground)
attempt to
build a network of trust over a background of unsteadiness and fear | often filled with a nameless anxiety | try to find or create reasons why (can become attached to explanations or positions that seem to explain their situation)
“belief” (trust, faith, convictions, positions) is difficult (but so important to sense of stability, once they establish a trustworthy belief do not easily question it, nor want others to do so)
once feel trust someone,
go to great lengths to maintain connections with the person | do everything in their power to keep their affiliations going
have to get the nod of approval from several ‘authorities’ | nearly every decision would involve a council of friends (like a ping-pong ball constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment) (so both strong and weak | fearful and courageous | trusting and distrusting | defenders and provokers | aggressive and passive | believers and doubters | tender and mean:
the contradictory picture | a bundle of opposites
problem: try to build safety in the environment without resolving own emotional insecurities (understand that the world is always changing and is
by nature uncertain, can be serene and courageous in any circumstance | can attain a sense of peace with themselves)
7 THE ENTHUSIAST
The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered
extroverted | optimistic | versatile (adapted to many different activities) | spontaneous
Playful | high-spirited | practical (can also misapply many talents | becoming over-extended | scattered | undisciplined)
constantly seek new and exciting experiences (but can become distracted | exhausted by staying on the go)
problems with impatience | impulsiveness
At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals | becoming appreciative | joyous | satisfied
Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness | to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences | to keep themselves excited and occupied | to avoid and discharge pain.
(stress) perfectionistic | critical at One
(growth) focused | fascinated by life like healthy Fives
enthusiastic about almost everything that catches attention (approach life with curiosity | optimism | a sense of adventure | rapt anticipation of all the good things about to experience)
bold | vivacious | pursuing what they want in life with a cheerful determination
tend to be extremely practical |
engaged in a multitude of projects at any given time (thinking is anticipatory (felt in anticipation of something): foresee events and generate ideas “on the fly”
not necessarily intellectual or studious (often intelligent | can be widely read and highly verbal |
minds move rapidly from one idea to the next | gifted at brainstorming | synthesizing information) exhilarated by the rush of ideas | by the pleasure of being spontaneous
a list person | have a great memory | down-loading information so that mind won’t spin on it
frequently endowed with quick, agile minds | be exceptionally fast learners
able to absorb information (language, facts, and procedures) and their ability to learn new manual skills:
tend to have excellent mind-body coordination | manual dexterity
wide-ranging curiosity | ability to learn quickly | able to pick up many different skills with relative ease | do not always value their abilities
versatility | curiosity |
ability to learn can lead to extraordinary achievement
do not feel that they know what to do or how to make choices that will be beneficial to themselves and others (try to keep minds busy all of the time |
compelled to stay on the go, moving from one experience to the next, searching for more stimulation | enjoy being practical and getting things done: highly, highly productive | joyful and mind running at its best) (using the “trial and error” method: try everything to make sure know what is best | scrambling after exciting experiences, the real object of heart’s desire so deeply buried in unconscious that never really aware of precisely what it is)
speed up their pursuit of whatever seems to offer freedom and satisfaction (so tend to make worse choices | less able to be satisfied because everything is experienced indirectly through their fast-paced mental activity | end up anxious | frustrated | enraged | end up ruining health | relationships | finances in search for happiness: I messed up and have done a lot already)
extremely optimistic people: exuberant | upbeat
endowed with abundant vitality | a desire to fully participate in their lives each day
naturally cheerful | good humored |
not taking themselves too seriously, or anything else (joy and enthusiasm for life naturally affect everyone around | remind us of the pure pleasure of existence)
8 THE CHALLENGER
The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational
self-confident | strong | assertive
Protective | resourceful | straight-talking | decisive (can also be ego-centric | domineering)
feel they must control environment, especially people (sometimes become confrontational | intimidating)
problems with their tempers | with allowing themselves to be vulnerable
At their Best: self- mastering | they use their strength to improve others' lives | becoming heroic | magnanimous | inspiring
Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant | to prove their strength and resist weakness | to be important in their world | to dominate the environment | to stay in control of their situation
(stress) secretive | fearful at Five
(growth) open-hearted | caring like healthy Twos
enjoy taking on challenges themselves | giving others opportunities that challenge them to exceed themselves
charismatic | have the physical and psychological capacities to persuade others to follow them into all kinds of endeavors
have enormous willpower | vitality | feel most alive when exercising these capacities in the world
use their abundant energy to effect changes in their environment (also to keep the environment, and especially other people, from hurting them and those they care about)
understand that this requires strength | will | persistence | endurance (qualities that they develop in themselves and which they look for in others: learned to master my weaker side early on)
do not want to be controlled | to allow others to have power over (psychological | sexual | social | financial | making sure retain and increase whatever power they have for as long as possible: being “in charge” and leaving their imprint on their sphere)
stand alone | independent | resist being indebted to anyone | refuse to “give in” to social convention | can defy fear | shame | concern about the consequences of actions
usually aware of what people think of them |
do not let the opinions of others sway them (go about business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others)
fear physical harm | being disempowered or controlled in some way
extraordinarily tough | can absorb a great deal of physical punishment without complaint | take health and stamina for granted and overlook the health and well-being of others (desperately afraid of being hurt emotionally | will use their physical strength to protect feelings | keep others at a safe emotional distance |
layer of emotional armor) losing emotional contact with many of the people in their lives | feel misunderstood and may distance further | often feel hurt and rejected (
seldom talk about because they have trouble admitting their vulnerability to themselves, let alone to anyone else)
attempt to defend themselves by rejecting others first | blocked in their ability to connect with people | to love (since love gives the other power over them)
build up egos to protect themselves: sensitive to any real or imaginary slight to their self-respect | authority | preeminence (attempt to make impervious to hurt or pain | become hardened and rock-like)
a resourceful, “can-do” attitude | a steady inner drive
take the initiative |
make things happen with a great passion for life
honorable | authoritative: natural leaders (who have a solid, commanding presence)
groundedness (abundant “common sense” as well as the ability to be decisive)
knowing that any decision cannot please everyone (want to look after the interests of the people in their charge without playing favorites | use talents and fortitude to construct a better world for everyone in their lives)
9 THE PEACEMAKER
The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent
accepting | trusting | stable
usually creative | optimistic | supportive (can be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace)
want everything to go smoothly | be without conflict (tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting)
problems with inertia | stubbornness
At their Best: indomitable | all-embracing | they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts
Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment | to avoid conflicts and tension | to preserve things as they are | to resist whatever would upset or disturb them
(stress) anxious | worried at Six
(growth) self-developing | energetic like healthy Threes
devoted to the quest for internal | external peace for themselves and others
“spiritual seekers” (have a great yearning for connection with the cosmos as well as people)
work to maintain their peace of mind | establish peace and harmony in their world
oriented to the spiritual world (potentially most grounded in the physical world and in their own bodies: either have tremendous elemental power and personal magnetism OR disengaged and remote, even lightweight)
retreat into minds and emotional fantasies (damming up own power so that everything in psyches becomes static and inert | becomes so full that its own weight dams up the springs that feed it | carrying everything along with it effortlessly)
the crown: can have the strength of Eights | the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens | the dutifulness of Sixes | the intellectualism of Fives | the creativity of Fours | the attractiveness of Threes | the generosity of Twos | the idealism of Ones (
do not have a strong sense of their own identity: a separate self | an individual who must assert herself against others | rather melt into someone else | quietly follow idyllic daydreams)
the universal temptation
to ignore the disturbing aspects of life | to seek some degree of peace and comfort by attempting to live in a state of premature peacefulness (a state of false spiritual attainment | gross denial |
run away from the paradoxes and tensions of life | find simple and painless solutions to problems)
emphasize the pleasant in life: a limited and limiting approach to life
see the silver lining in every cloud as a way of protecting themselves from the cold and rain
tend to
focus on the “bright side of life” (so peace of mind will not be shaken)
must understand all of the perspectives presented by the other types are true too | must resist the urge to escape into the “white light” of the Divine | must remember that “the only way out is through”
Compatibility with Other Types
1 THE REFORMER
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic
H (complementary | both offer the other the example of own qualities)
often unusually mature and independent | able to obtain their emotional needs from a variety of people and connections, including their professional ones. They bring high ideals | strong ethical standards | the desire to serve others to the relationship itself, keeping the relationship strong | in touch with solid values | practical perspectives.
H bring the nurturing | feelings that R do not easily allow themselves: help R soften | relax
R bring integrity | conscientiousness | responsibility | consistency. They are steady | reliable | truthful.
R commit strongly which makes H feel secure (that they won't be abandoned).
H bring warmth | a concern with people | a willingness to make exceptions to the rule for individuals in need.
They are aware of suffering | work hard and generously to alleviate it wherever they can.
H are more convivial | welcoming than R and can warm up R's more typically reserved exterior—which most R are glad to have happen.
they
tend not to be very aware of their own needs or
able to express them easily.
R: life is serious business (work must always come before play | the lower impulses of the self must be held tightly in check).
H: must take care of everyone else's needs before allowed to have needs themselves.
life: serving others | making themselves useful (others will need them and want them in their lives)
both R and H, therefore, find it
difficult to talk about what they are actually feeling | what is actually going on in the relationship | what they actually want.
often ulterior motives | unstated agendas (
no one able to admit that they are not getting what they want—much less that they might not be happy or fulfilled; getting what they want feels selfish and forbidden)
R begin to feel disappointed by H's tendency to
give so much of themselves to others |
to be so unregulated regarding time and attention | H seem to R to be everywhere else serving on yet another committee or charitable group but in the home or at their job,
(unable to) fulfilling their primary responsibilities.
H see R as too impersonal and unconcerned with others,
not sympathetic |
charitable enough. H begin to be disappointed in the reality of R's idealism, thinking that R
may love humanity but have little real compassion for real people.
R can be uncomfortable with H's
effusiveness |
need for contact;
H can be uncomfortable with R's
sarcasm |
irritability.
will
simmer with anger that will slowly but inexorably, lead to
escalating arguments.
can begin to become
condemnatory and
critical of the other as the relationship drifts apart.
A (highly task-oriented | both competent | serious minded | idealistic)
both driven to hard work and to be intensely aware when, individually and collectively, they are not measuring up to their own expectations and high standards.
both can bring selflessness | self-discipline | good work habits | the ability to put aside their personal feelings for the sake of the objective good that needs to be done.
both are used to working so hard that they often succeed | garnering admiration from those around them | attaining places of leadership and responsibility.
can be dazzlingly accomplished | high energy | extraordinarily competent | impressive both individually and collectively (strive after excellence | as an ideal | as something to personally embody)
Sometimes succeed so well (virtually glows with self-confidence | the thrill of their own talents) strive to make each other proud of them, someone the other can look up to | show off to his or her friends and family.
enjoy planning and organizing their lives | dividing up responsibilities after seeing who is objectively better at which tasks (thrive on respect | give each other personal space)
mixed: produces a powerful coalition (capable of dealing both with ideals and with practical matters) try to solve problems in the relationship by discussing the issues involved since neither likes emotionally charged bickering | unresolved issues.
R help A to be more grounded and realistic; A help R stretch themselves and not be so perfectionistic. both industrious | persistent | efficient | concerned with excellence | making a real difference in the world.
trouble: time commitments | lack of emotional attachment to each other | a creeping sense of competition
R tend to find A too workaholic | pragmatic | too concerned with image and with their reputations rather than with principle
R can see A as tending to cut corners in ethical matters | willing to exaggerate or fudge the truth in order to achieve whatever they are after
R can become critical of A if they change their goals pragmatically | dropping efforts | switching positions when something does not work for them
R may also have issues with A attempting to reinterpret ethical questions | with not owning up to their personal behavior (including their behavior regarding fidelity in the relationship itself)
A tend to find R too rigid | judgmental in their attitudes | inflexible in various areas
A generally value R's organizational ability | ability get things done, A can also feel that R are too narrow-minded | methodical | too perfectionistic | focused on details rather than results
A may have issues with R about feeling they are being stifled | judged both for their attitudes | for their actions
A thrive on praise, but stressed R are unable to give any credit to themselves, much less to anyone else
A see R's critiques of them as nitpicking | time wasting.
A start avoiding R, triggering R's abandonment issues—and more anger and criticism
gradually lose respect for the other: R losing respect for A's integrity, and A losing respect for R's effectiveness
if both find the relationship useful, it can endure as a professional marriage without much passion (but because it is useful to both parties for their continued professional success and personal status)
D (mixing oil and water | they see things from the opposite points of view)
an intense mutual interest to bring something good and beautiful into the world
idealistic | concerned with getting it right in their work and self-expressions
see how things could be | how a project could become an expression of an ideal form (if all went well)
something universal and transcendent could result in their work and in their relationship itself
R bring a desire for objectivity | truth | value | reason to the relationship
offer self-discipline | good work habits | regularity to the relationship
R are conscientious | will sublimate themselves and their personal needs for the greater good, including the shared vision and goals that they feel are at the core of the relationship itself.
R can act as valuable sounding boards for D, offering advice | wisdom when D get confused by the multitude of their feelings | their self-doubts
D bring creativity | intense feelings | sensuality | spontaneity | inspiration | the ability to tap into dreams, the unconscious, and other universal forces.
D's expressiveness | emotionality can be a welcome counterbalance to the R's typical formality | sense of order and reason.
D give R permission to explore and express the full range of R's feelings and passions
R help D actualize their dreams (by supporting creativity with healthy self-discipline and appropriate structure)
R bring self-restraint to the relationship, which may act as a model for D, who tend to be more unregulated
both have a taste for refinement | beauty | a cultivation of the arts (if both appreciate what the other offers, they can make a long lasting, productive team that helps balance the limitations of the other while bringing out qualities that each lacks—one of the primary functions of all good relationships)
sometimes like mixing oil and water: they tend to separate quickly because they see things from the opposite points of view
R think that they are almost always being sensible and objective, while D do not try to be "objective"—they want to see things from the subjective, personal side
While both bring a kind of idealism to the relationship, it is usually idealism applied to different things
R will be idealistic about social causes | morality | politics | global issues, while Fours are idealistic, even perfectionistic, about aspects of their personal lives—their lifestyle | mate | choice of work
can reinforce each other's sense of superiority, leading to elitism and snobbery toward others
can become disdainful and condescending toward those who have less breeding, taste, or sense of refinement—and the habit of being disappointed in others can be turned against each other as well.
ironically highly aware of their impulses | sensuality | longings | frustrations, but they both attempt to handle these issues in diametrically different ways
conflict: self-discipline versus self-indulgence, between personal and emotional impulses either being acted out (D) or being suppressed (R)
R can begin to see D as hopelessly emotional | self-absorbed | self-indulgent, while D can begin to see R as insufferably rigid | judgmental | cold
D can become as angry | critical | intolerant | self-righteous as low-functioning R, and R can become as melancholy | self-pitying | alienated | depressed as low-functioning D
both may end by being disaffected with each other for being the way they are: they are not an imagined ideal. Both can be unforgiving | keeping scores | remembering long-past hurts
The relationship can deteriorate into bitter frustration with each other and end as the result of rancorous arguments.
V (quiet affectionate appreciation | they see things from the opposite points of view)
alike in many ways, particularly in their reticence (reserve) to show their emotions directly | in their identification with their minds
see themselves as fact-oriented | although V are more purely mental while R like their ideas and philosophies to have practical ramifications
bring to their relationship a desire to be objective; they both want to avoid falling into sentimentality, or to allow their feelings to cloud their mental clarity
share a rich mental life of intellectual stimulation | curiosity | a multiplicity of mutual interests
often enjoy each other's company | intellectual stimulation | loving to debate | admiring the intelligence and expertise exhibited by the other
Unexpectedly, they tickle each other's funny bone—this pair loves to laugh together at life's absurdities. Child rearing, traveling, building a house, shared hobbies, or other complex activities are mutually stimulating and bonding for them.
They both are highly respectful of personal boundaries, rarely being the one to make the first move in anything regarding intimacy unless they have pretty strong signals from the other that they would be welcomed
tend to bring a certain formality | courtesy to each other that can be charmingly courtly and old-fashioned
R add to this a concern with logic and order | systematic thinking | attention to details | the desire to improve the world around them
V bring curiosity | the willingness to be intellectually (and sexually) adventuresome | a taste for the bizarre and illogical | the ability to relish disorder | chaos | lack of apparent meaning
quiet affectionate appreciation in this pairing. If romance develops, it develops slowly but deeply
opposites in important areas of intellect, and this can lead to conflicts and the eventual breakdown of their relationship
R tend to believe in the objectivity of certain truths | believe that once these are known, there is the possibility of arriving at objective certitude (absolute certainty)
R feel that their ideals and philosophy have given them contact with some form of ultimate Truth (therefore they are living from a viewpoint in which acquiring certainty is a moral imperative)
V feel that there is no such thing as objective truth | merely possible interpretations for what seems to be objective reality. We may come to some degree of consensus, but that does not necessarily mean that our consensus reflects anything completely objective. It just means that we choose to think the same way. V are thus skeptics and debunkers of certitude
love to debate and deflate ironclad philosophies and self-righteously held positions wherever they find them. Thus, less healthy Ones can drift into various forms of fundamentalism, believing that they hold the key to truth, while Fives can become provocative nihilists (life is meaningless), believing that there is no truth.
very difficult to change their basic philosophies of life—and they both find it difficult to respect anyone who believes the opposite of them
both can respect the other's boundaries to a fault, not wanting to impose their own beliefs on the other
become cool and distant | impersonal and analytic | tinged with resignation | cynicism
R can feel that V are too impractical | endlessly concerned with irrelevancies
V can feel that R are too serious | rigid | they take their opinions far too seriously
can become too self-contained | evolving their lives in separate spheres-perhaps only getting together for occasional meals | sleep | solve pressing problems
Coldness | isolation take over and may last for years, without either of them realizing it very clearly much less feeling that either of them can do very much about it
